The Stork is a Lie
by 23blenders
Summary: Pit ruins everyone's day by asking a terrible question. An argument ensues between Palutena and Dart over who answers it.


**Same old story. When I get into writing mode, my fingers type 'Dart' when I mean Dark Pit or Pittoo. It's not worth it to fight them when you all know who I mean. Especially since this could almost fit into my other fic, if I hadn't already ruled it out.**

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"Ok, Lady Palutena? I know you've been lying to me about storks and all. I've seen human women with big bellies who tell me they have a baby in them. How do they get in there?"

Pit asked this question and fell silent, looking to his goddess for an answer. Even though he knew she had lied to him, he wasn't upset. He trusted that she had a good reason to lie to him, and was old enough to understand the concept of lying to children about difficult subjects. He figured that this was one of them, and he wanted to know the truth now.

Palutena's jaw had dropped at this question. She supposed she knew that Pit would one day ask, but she hadn't considered the topic in a long time.

And she didn't really want to now. She cleared her throat.

"The stork puts them there, Pit. You're right that it doesn't just bring a baby to families. It puts them in the mother so they grow there."

To her dismay, Pit pursed his lips in annoyance and shook his head.

"Lady Palutena, I've seen exactly two storks in my lifetime, both in reflecting pools and when I'm out flying. Believe it or not, I can do the math. There should be a lot more, and they'd be where people are."

She tried to work around this.

"Well, it's not one stork per baby," she began, but Pit cut her off impatiently.

"Right. It's not any stork at all. If it were, then why do people have dads, and look like them? The stork doesn't make sense, Lady Palutena."

"Well, if you'd let me explain-"

"I can also tell that you're coming up with this on the spot."

"Pit, you've never noticed that before in your life."

"Well, it's about time I started. I talk with him" Pit pointed at Dart, who was watching with silent amusement, "all the time."

He had a point. If anyone could train Pit to spot sarcasm and lies, it was the dark angel. She tried again.

"Even so, the stork-"

"Ok, I get it. I guess I'll just have to figure it out for myself."

There was an uncharacteristic chill in Pit's voice as he spoke. He turned and began to walk away after giving Palutena a look of deep disappointment, that she knew stemmed from her refusal to tell him the truth rather than his failure to gain the knowledge he desired.

Palutena could not bear to have Pit disappointed with her.

"Pit, wait."

He stopped and turned to her, expectantly. She sighed as her expression turned to incomplete resignment. Incomplete, because she wasn't going to be the one to explain this to Pit if she could help it. Palutena had noticed that Dart's face held a similar expression. Which meant that he knew the answer to Pit's question.

"You talk to him." she ordered him without thinking any further. Dart's red eyes widened and shifted to her.

"Hell no! This is your job, Palutena! I'm not his parent!"

Both looked at Pit's stubborn face, then Palutena yanked Dart away from the light angel.

"Yes, but he should get this information from another guy." she hissed.

"Not from me! I'm younger than he is!"

"Please, Dart? This is just something I would like to think about as little as possible."

"Join the club." he shot back. "I refuse to think about Pit... Oh god."

He gagged slightly.

"Maybe we could both fill in some of the blanks?" Palutena ventured after she pushed the previous thought out of her head.

"Nope. Nuh-uh. If there is one thing I refuse to do, it's talk sex with Pit in the same room you're in."

Palutena didn't question this. She could accept that Dart had somehow come across some measure of knowledge about the birds and the bees. But the idea of listening to him actually talk about it...

"Ok, but someone still has to explain to him."

Dart winced.

"Can't we just knock him out and pretend he never asked? ...Wait! Nevermind, I didn't mean it!" he had to backtrack when the goddess looked like she was seriously considering his sarcastic suggestion.

"You're right. If we knocked him out he'd just ask again tomorrow." she reluctantly agreed.

"I say we just point him to the internet." Dart advised.

"Is that where you got your information?" she asked, giving him a look he didn't particularly trust.

"Maybe..." he evaded. She narrowed her eyes.

"Ok, maybe you're not as qualified to give Pit the Talk as I thought..."

Dart almost cried out in relief.

"No, I'm not! I can't possibly explain properly to him! He's all yours, Palutena!"

He tried to run out of the room, but the goddess caught him by the scarf and kept him from escaping.

"I've got a better idea. Wait here a moment." she ordered the pair.

"So who's going to tell me?" Pit asked after she left the room, having been remarkably patient this whole time. Dart just groaned.

"Look, I know this is a touchy subject," Pit began. Dart's eyes shifted to Pit, wondering if he was messing with him or if he hadn't noticed his own wording.

"But if you guys don't tell me, then I'll have to find the information some other way. It'll probably be long, hard, and difficult to get my hands on."

"Pit-"

"And once I do get my hands on it, who knows if I'll be able to get anything out of it."

"Stop talking, Pit-"

"You know I can't do these things by myself!"

"Will you _please_ SHUT THE HELL UP?"

"You're my brother! You have to help me!"

"AAAGGGHHH!"

Palutena returned at that moment to find Pit looking pleadingly at Dart, who was covering his ears with his hands and rocking back and forth on a chair.

"...is something wrong here? Is everything ok Dart?" she asked worriedly.

"Did Pit stop talking?" he asked hoarsely.

"...Yes."

Dart gave a huge sigh of relief. He sat up, still looking rather traumatized.

"Well, in any case, we're going out. I know just the person to give Pit the Talk."

The dark angel groaned as he stood up. Pit looked bewildered at his brother's behavior.

The next thing they knew, they were at somebody's home. Palutena knocked.

"Hello? Oh, Palutena. Er... what brings you three here?"

Magnus stood in his doorway, confused as none of his visitors had warned him that they were visiting.

"I have a favor to ask you, Magnus."

He raised an eyebrow. She sounded very serious.

"Pit has a few... questions, that you'd be better qualified to answer than I am."

The man looked at the three.

"Pit needs the Talk."

"Talk?"

"With a capital T." she clarified.

"Uh-"

"You'll have some help." she cut in before he could protest.

"What?" both angels and Magnus asked.

In response, none other than Viridi shoved her way through the crowd.

"Who better to explain the birds and the bees than the goddess of Nature herself?" she asked brightly. Magnus eyed her uncertainly. She had just said she was a goddess, but she looked like a little kid... Of course you forget that after listening to a few of her insults and the goddess of Nature _would_ know better than anyone.

"Excellent." Palutena approved. "In you go, Pit. And you too, Dart."

"WHAT?!" he roared before Palutena put a barrier around the house to trap the occupants inside. Viridi was cackling from inside the house as Magnus muttered to himself about gods and their unreasonable demands.

"You've had very unreliable sources, Dart. You need this as much as Pit."

The dark angel started spouting every insult at her he could think of, prompting Pit to start beating him up. Nobody insulted Lady Palutena in front of him. She just rolled her eyes. She'd expected this out of him. It didn't change her mind. She teleported back to Skyworld after promising to pick up her charges in a few hours, then spent the rest of the afternoon relaxing in her hot springs.

Dart wouldn't speak even to Pit for two days, Palutena for a full week. Pit apologized to everyone involved for asking the question, then never mentioned it again while Viridi referenced it every time she saw them all for weeks. It just made for a very awkward situation that nobody wanted to ever speak of again.

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**Ah, that was fun. Can anybody play Uprising and believe that Pit has any idea what sex is? I don't. And I can totally see Viridi rubbing her hands together gleefully as she contemplates breaking the news to him. Just because I can also imagine Pit, in his young, angelic innocence, cringing away and wailing "Why would anyone want to _do_ that?!"**

***Alternate scene***

"Well, it's not one stork per baby," she began. "See, the stork is like a mailman. It gives babies to all the women in the area."

Dart snorted.

"Quiet, you!" Palutena shot at him, reddening slightly. She had not thought that comparison through.

"Why, what's so funny?" Pit asked innocently. "Oh, I know you're still lying, by the way."

"So what happens when people start noticing that all the kids look like the mailman, huh Palutena?"

"Didn't I tell you to shut up?"

Dart started cackling.

**Firehedgehog made me.**


End file.
